FILM REVIEW: Winchester (2018)

Directed by Michael & Peter Spierig

* 1/2

I think Winchester may have broken a record for me: the quickest a movie got me to stop caring. Seriously; it only took the first 10-15 or so minutes before I decided it’s not worth getting invested in. I’d express congratulations, but then I remember that I had to sit through the rest of this thing, and what I got was a horrendously trite experience that possessed me to check my watch periodically – make that more than periodically.

At its best, Winchester is a bloated episode of a paranormal docudrama show you’d find on the Discovery Channel with all of the documentary portions removed. At its worst, it is just an advertisement that really wants you to visit the Winchester Mystery House. Unfortunately, the latter is more evident than it should ever be – I was expecting some sort of logo to fade into the bottom corner of the screen half the time.

Without further ado, gather ‘round the campfire for a spooky story, I guess.

San Jose, 1906. There is great concern of the mental wellbeing of Sarah Winchester (Helen Mirren), heiress of her namesake’s firearm business, as she believes she is cursed by the spirits of all who have died at the hands of a Winchester rifle. Enter our hero, Dr. Eric Price (Jason Clarke), a psychologist grief-stricken by the loss of his wife. Price is a vice-ridden man, his spare time spent with drugs and prostitutes.

Is there any potential here worth mentioning? There might be. I don’t know, and, honestly, if nobody involved seemed to care, why should I? Zero passion was put into the making of Winchester. But was I at least scared at any point during Winchester?

Is that a real question?

I’m just going to address the elephant in the room right now: jump scares, on their own, are not scary, and Winchester is overflowing with them. See, here’s how it works – jump scares work when there’s a sense of dread prevalent throughout the film (the blood test in The Thing is the most exemplary jump scare I’ve seen). There is not only zero dread in Winchester, but the film doesn’t even give a chance for tension or terror to build up. When things do hit the fan, we’ve been duped so many times that we don’t care at this point, and we’ve been duped a lot before “scary” stuff actually happens.

It doesn’t help that it’s kind of difficult to care about any of the characters. Not that there’s anybody despicable or anything like that. But, with maybe the exception of Sarah Winchester, every single character is practically devoid of any kind of unique identity. The script is insufferably lazy, with dialogue that is not necessarily generic or laughable, but just…stodgy. What is laughable, however, is Winchester’s attempts at being poignant. Winchester is a superstitious woman, Price is the complete opposite. So, there are many a debate about the paranormal, illusion vs. reality, the necessity of letting go of the past, and maybe a few other topics that are escaping memory, but zero effort is put into actually making such topics interesting.

In turn, there is nothing noteworthy or commendable in the performances, though I am a bit more forgiving of this. Though there’s nobody prestigious involved, Jason Clarke and Helen Mirren are competent enough actors, and they must have known just how half-baked their material was – I can almost see then rolling their eyes in between takes, eager for this production to end already.

If there is anything noteworthy in Winchester, it is the fact that it was filmed at the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, but this actually becomes a detriment. Of course the house has been refurbished and renovated over the years – it’s a tourist attraction, after all. Unfortunately, this results in the movie looking way too glossy and plastic with no foreboding qualities whatsoever. The dull and careless cinematography doesn’t do anything to compliment the horror.

With absolutely nothing to offer, there is no reason for anybody to watch Winchester whatsoever. Horror fans will be utterly bored – there’s no legitimate horror or funny horror to revel in at all. Even haunted house enthusiasts will sigh in disappointment at the complete lack of interest the film has in its subject matter. Just be grateful that Winchester didn’t have the cynical audacity to cash in on Halloween season.